Sometimes its best not to say what one is thinking within one's own head. I was reminded of this twice in the past week. Both times I regretted my utterances the moment they passed my lips. It all started when I was at an event that had a buffet brunch thingy at the former estate of Frank Sinatra here in Palm Springs. I made my way around the piano-shaped pool (yes you read that correctly, Old Blue Eyes had a pool in the shape of a grand piano). Anyway I made my way around the pool toward the buffet. It looked scrumptious. Or maybe I was just hungry. Well at any rate I shuffled along with my plate when suddenly I saw the largest salad I've ever seen. (see photo above left). Now if you look at that photo quickly, it doesn't look so big, but look at the hand of the person in front of me- extending a dinner size plate over the mega salad. It was big. I think I already explained that so I'll move on. Well thinking I was amusing, I looked at the mega salad in wonderment and feigned shock and awe. I looked at the woman charged with serving the mega salad (who was using a small back-hoe to scoop it out) and said to her: "Wow, that is one BIG salad! I don't think I've ever seen a salad that big before". The salad back-hoe operator looked at me, saying nothing. I continued: 'Well I must sound like some kind of hillbilly, never seen anything from the big city before". The woman bristled at my remark. I should have stopped there- it was bad enough. But no, of course it was too late, I had a bad case of the blabbers. Then I gave my best hillbilly impression (aka southerner) and in a somewhat condescending tone exclaimed: "Weyull now, ah've nev-errr seen no salad that beeyugg beee- forrree". While saying it, I modulated my high-pitched hillbilly voice up and down for an uneven pitch rhythm if you know what I mean. The salad back hoe operator glared at me- but before I could process her look it was time to shuffle down the line. As I stood at the next dish of something or other, I could hear her speaking in the distance to the person behind me. Perhaps you guessed it. The salad back-hoe operator was of course A SOUTHERNER with quite a heavy twang. I had obviously offended her with my stupid and insensitive impression. But the damage was done. Live and learn, right? Well maybe not. A few days later at a restaurant I encountered this:
Monster Mac & Cheese. The waiter at Trio warned me their Macaroni and Cheese dish was huuuuggggeeee. I ignored his advice and ordered it anyway, instead saying to the waiter in a rather gruff tone: "Ah c'mon, I'm no pansy, I can handle it". Our waiter, incidentally was seemingly gay, I could see he wasn't crazy about me using the pansy term. Perhaps he realized that I too am gay and he brushed off my remark and moved on. Later when the entrees were served, the Monster Mac & Cheese entree was presented to me. It was huge alright. I gasped at its size. Must have been a pound of pasta, as the dish was quite deep. Well as I stared at the Monster dish, I exclaimed loudly: "What kind of pig would eat this much food anyway?"And as said it I could sense a recoiling of the person at the table next to me. My peripheral vision picked up the couple seated adjacent and sure enough the rather large woman sitting next to me had the same Monster Mega Grande Mac & Cheese entree- but she had consumed nearly all of it. She had a horrified look on her face as I shriveled into a tiny ball at the table. It seems I did not learn from the Hillbilly salad remark to KEEP MY BIG MOUTH SHUT. Maybe now, after two infractions I will begin to practice the true art of discretion.
What about you, you ever made a fool of yourself twice in one week?
side note: my sincere apologies to any hillbilly blogger friends. I just love southern hospitality. And sweet potato pie. And sweet tea. And the Piggly Wiggly. ah, you get it.
-Rick Rockhill
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